You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I have no passwords left in me
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.