You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets