Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
You Might Also Like
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
won’t smith
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
How I like cutting carbs
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.