When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest