Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
🤣
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]