dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.