19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The sacred texts.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.