That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards