American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Haha good job!!
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.