Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
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I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”