Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
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They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
The Punning Dead.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.