Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap