Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise