I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
no
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.