*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
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Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone