Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”