We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
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[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.