Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
This meal prepping shit easy
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.