Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.