whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-