any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
You Might Also Like
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
the battle rages on
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?