Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
You Might Also Like
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.