*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man