Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
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94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.