I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The internet is full of many things
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible