[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
just got my engagement photos
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.