LA today:
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My safe word is Worcestershire
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.