How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Body by sandwich.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …