Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
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Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Does your wife know you’re single?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism