Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The government even made aliens boring
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now