Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.