I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
You Might Also Like
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
The symmetry is uncanny.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.