Can I donate fat instead of blood?
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One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Can. I. Help. You.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
cause of death:
autopsy.