I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
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Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.