My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
You Might Also Like
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Bed should get ready for ME
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.