I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I need this for my side hustle.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.