{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?