*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
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I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.