Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.