My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.