one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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Fluff me with a fork baby
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
How I’d get arrested…
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape