The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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This forever.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I’m calling the cops.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The happy life.. 😊
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.