never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Did…did a minotaur write this
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns