If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh