(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.