Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.