If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!