Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My flabber has been gasted.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.