Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!