goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
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i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can鈥檛 look at the menu.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he鈥檚 taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i鈥檓 actually the villain of this movie
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Do馃憦not馃憦remove馃憦the馃憦exquisite馃憦painting馃憦from馃憦my馃憦wall馃憦and馃憦open馃憦the馃憦hidden馃憦safe馃憦if馃憦you馃憦don’t馃憦want馃憦to馃憦find馃憦a馃憦smaller馃憦version馃憦of馃憦the馃憦same馃憦painting馃憦
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Don鈥檛 pretend to be someone you鈥檙e not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog